In my experience, the most misunderstood part of an INFJ is how most of us feel everything those around us feel. While some INFJs are empaths, all seem to have higher levels of empathy.
The “N” stands for iNtuitive. While there are other intuitive personalities out there, the INFJ is thought to be the most intuitive, sometimes to the point of having a sixth sense. We are able to tap deep within our subconscious, gaining deeper insight into situations than some other personality types.
When there is tension in the room, an INFJ tenses up. When someone is crying, we want to cry. When someone is elated, we are on cloud nine.
Personally, there are many times when my own feelings are buried in the sea of the feelings of others, both through intuition and empathic abilities. I take on what those around me feel. I have been known to gravitate toward happy, optimistic people just for the relief of their emotions.
When there is tension in the room, an INFJ tenses up. When someone is crying, we want to cry. When someone is elated, we are on cloud nine.
Personally, there are many times when my own feelings are buried in the sea of the feelings of others, both through intuition and empathic abilities. I take on what those around me feel. I have been known to gravitate toward happy, optimistic people just for the relief of their emotions.
The weird part is that I don’t have to be in the same vicinity as someone to feel their emotions. I can hear a news story, I can read a book, I can watch a movie. I have a hard time with horror films because of how strongly and realistically I feel the emotions of the people on the screen. I avoid the news. I block out negative stories people tell. I skip magazine articles. It is not that I am trying to be ignorant to the pains in the world, but I physically cannot handle the excess of emotions.
For example, if someone on the news is talking about their child being kidnapped, I don’t just feel the emotions of the parent talking. I also feel the emotions of the child they are talking about, the kidnapper who brought about the crime, those not mentioned but clearly affected, like the other parent or relatives or the relatives of the kidnapper. Not to mention, I am still feeling the emotions of every other news story in that half hour of television. It can become an extreme overload that has been known to cause physical ailments in some, such as tumors, ulcers, and headaches.
I cannot express how genuine the emotions are. Sometimes it can be frightening even for myself so, as an INFJ, I have a tendency to emotionally shut down. When things around me become overwhelming, I turn off to the world around me and to myself. It is the easiest escape in order to cope in highly emotional situations.
This is probably the most secretive part of myself, and I would assume most INFJs because when tried to explain to another personality type, we can often be met with judgments and considered "crazy" or "overly emotional." We are not insane. We don’t hear voices. We don’t see visions. Everything we feel is real…and 99% of the time, is accurate.
Some consider this a gift. It is what makes an INFJ so compassionate, caring and warm. Others wonder if it is a curse. It is exhausting. It is lonely. It is painful. But it is the life of an INFJ and we must try our best to accept who we are, even on the difficult days. It can lead to some pretty low times, but it also lends itself to amazing highs.
Oh Wow… Yes, I am an INFJ. I feel every word of this post exactly. I get teased often because I don’t know what’s going on in the world, but it is largely because I choose not to watch the news. I rarely read the papers. I just can’t take it. I get nauseous when my kids come home from school with a problem. It is hard to teach them how to handle their emotions, when I can’t handle THEIR emotions, you know? And I’m pretty sure I’m raising another little me. I feel so bad for my son sometimes, he is just as sensitive to everyone around him as I am.
ReplyDeleteGlad you found me, I’m happy to know I’m not alone!
Amen sista. Before I learned about personality types, I really thought how amazingly “self-absorbed” so many of the people around me must be – especially those with an “ST” where I have an “NF.” The emotions we feel from someone else’s tragedy or worry can be overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteWow, this really strikes a chord.
ReplyDeleteI also remember hearing about the term “dumb chills,” and it’s like something just clicked. I cannot and will not watch reality or fictional shows where someone else is either feeling embarrassed or humiliated. It physically affects me like I’m the one completely humiliating myself in that large crowd.
This is a really interesting post. I remember watching a reenactment of the sinking of the Titanic and my mom was shocked at my reaction: I couldn’t stop sobbing at the thought of what those people went through and all those lives lost. I was 18 at the time and it was as if I’d been there with them.
ReplyDeleteMy defense mechanism has been to build a thick shell and develop an irreverent sense of humor which, ironically, causes people to think that I’m insensitive at times. But I’m not. I feel it TOO much.
Thanks for showing me I’m not alone.
Missy Frattini, that’s interesting! I can’t watch Ben Stiller movies for that very reason. I just feel bad for him when his characters are embarrassed and he always plays awkward characters. It just really hurts me and I feel so bad for them.
ReplyDeleteI too feel things alot more intensely than others. It is hard to deal with..esp when there is tension in a room, or someone starts to cry, I can’t help but be moved by it as well. Good to know others are like this too.
I am an INFJ and I could relate to this so much. I cannot live in a city because I literally walk around feeling “electric shocks” from absorbing the emotions of people around me. It is just too overwhelming and painful. I pick up positive emotions too, but they are easier to cope with. I have had to learn to “numb out” at times and put up a kind of shield. The problem with that is it makes me numb to my own feelings as well. I’d rather feel it all than not feel at all. So I just regulate where I can. I have noticed too as I have gotten older I have been better about being able to cope with this and it no longer affects me to the point I am incapacitated.
ReplyDeleteI know it... it is so painful and you feel so useless. Most of time you can't help to relieve the pain in others and it's so frustrating... you can't even take your own decisions. For me, all these feelings are a curse, I want to escape from everything. I want to go on an island. I want to be free...
ReplyDeleteHi I am WholisticInfj, lately I get very emotional watching movies, I feel the soul n emotions with some music, I get rather annoyed when I feel insincerity of others around me, I feel hurt when friend cheats on their wife n I feel like protecting the lady.
ReplyDeleteI do have problems showing my love for fear of rejection. So I learn to pacify myself for those are situations beyond my control.
I had learn to trully avoid getting into situations where I get tied or hurt easily. I don't truely understand why I sometimes gets tied easily, like my energy is sap out of me.
I love love love your blog. Completely get it and can completely relate.
ReplyDeleteAs an INFJ we have to come to peace and find acceptance with who we are and use our thought and feeling patterns to serve us in positive ways. We have very powerful minds that normally use the left and right lobes equally which is what creates our depth of thought and perception - and yes our intuition.
The bottom line is, it's okay and I have to say I am proud to be an INFJ and I embrace it. All my life I felt like an outsider and misfit, now I know I am just an INFJ and its okay. Its a gift and I have come to honor it and sharpen my skills.
The danger is we start to see how much less, dare I say, 'evolved' the rest of the planet is... Almost a fearful feeling.
I love your blog! I feel better knowing, someone else has gone through this. Its lonely being so different, compared to every one else. Not many people, understand what its like.
ReplyDeleteThank you
This is so true. I get kind of hurt if someone tells me, "You don't know how it feels!" because even if I don't experience it myself, the kind of deep empathy I feel for them in their situation makes me feel as though I HAVE experienced it myself. I DO know what they're feeling, and feel it myself. I sob with people who are sad, and certain tragedies that friends experience never really leave my mind.
ReplyDelete"I feel, therefore, I am" should be the slogan of our type. Feeling has not been the most challenging experience of being an INFJ for me, instead, it is not feeling. My partner is an INTJ, and though she no doubt "feels", those feelings are well rationlized and stripped of feeling before they are conveyed to me. As a person great feeling, it is more than a challenge to life in an emotional void. Any thoughts/feelings out there as to how to bridge the emotional gap?
ReplyDeleteOh! Thanks alot.. Its not just me..
ReplyDeleteI thought i have some kind of psychological problem!!
Not easy to be an INFJ :-)
Thanks..
I saw Django and was sick inside with pain, not because of the violence inside the house with the gunfire and mock blood, but the deeper hurt and humiliation and brutality that the slaves had to endure. I understand now what I was feeling. Yet, I also understand how hard it is to get in touch with our own feelings. I am just beginning to start to do this and it is almost like our intuitive side is guarded against letting too much sensing come through. I am also married to an INTJ, 25 years, and it has been difficult. On different wavelengths and I feel no empathy. It is almost like I am on the outside.
ReplyDeleteMay I suggest Parable of the Sower? Hyperempathy. Hit me right in the feels.
ReplyDeleteYup. I absolutely do this. I used to not understand why angry/depressed people would automatically pull me into their vortex of despair. It was such an unconscious reaction that I didn't realize what was happening at first. Now I'm more aware of this tendency so try to avoid negative people for that very reason.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ you about TV too. Movies that tend to be "scream-fests" (like the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre), I tend to avoid because the sheer horror of their feelings (which end up being my feelings while I'm watching) is just too much. On the other hand, I tend to love psychological thrillers (like the movie Signs) or one in which the main characters are more in charge of their situation (like the show The Walking Dead). I think this may be because those the situation is scary, the feelings of the characters are more calm and controlled, which is what I react to.
Lianne makes a great point. There was a period of time when I had a satirical outlook, but then it got to my head and I didn't know if it was what I really felt, and of course it wasn't. And this almost goes for every other "phase" of friends and life. Because I feel so much of everything, I have to block myself off. I have begun to act on the idea of pursuing positive people and positive experiences. Surprisingly, this is extremely difficult, especially when considering social clumsiness and aloofness. Art, music, and writing (and associated people) seem to be the one good outlet.
ReplyDeleteSupposedly "Amelie" is told from the perspective of an INFJ. No wonder that movie makes so much sense.
Lianne makes a great point.
ReplyDeleteInstinctual strong feelings (birth-teens) turned to cynical/satirical humor, (teens-20s), which turned to
burn-out/lonely, which has been turning back to instinctual strong feelings with the renewed sense of desire for positive experiences and thinking/feeling (current).
Having meaningful rather than meaningless interactions is super critical now. Meditation/yoga/mindfulness helps reduce thinking/feeling dissonance, as does art, music, and writing. Its always been hard to find friends who are proactive. Maybe I've just always been on the quest for meaning...
It is so difficult to be an INFJ:(
ReplyDeleteVery good post... and right on the money. Being an INFJ can become quite irritating because of this aspect. And I liked how you illustrated the fact that we do not sympathize or empathize, but actually feel the feelings of those around us. It is a shame that most people find such a thing unbelievable when you try to explain it to them. I guess I can understand their reaction because each and everyone wants to feel unique and when you put them in front of a person who can "become them", they react by getting irritated or even offended.
ReplyDeleteAlthough that sensation of instinctively taking upon yourself the feelings of others still creeps up on me sometimes, I mostly have it under control now... and even use it in reverse, trying to infuse others with feelings that I experience. Such things did not come easy, though. But it works great with raising morale or not making somebody give up.
I believe this aspect of our "sensing powers" has evolved in me because of being the Challenger type on the Enneagram... which means that I would be a cross-over between Ghandhi(INFJ part) and Attila the Hun (Challenger part). Sometimes others around me start feeling the way I do, even without me wanting to...which is something that I have to work on.
I saw another one of us comment that INFJs start seeing how "un-evolved" the rest of the planet is... And it is rather true. I have always wondered why we are like this and if the +- 1% of the population that represents our kind is just an accident of nature, or if we are a... "next step".
IIII coAtL IIII
Oh wow... I am almost in tears just reading these posts and knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not insane. It scares me sometimes how strongly I feel things, even in movies. The mentions of hating conflict in movies- especially when someone is humiliated- is spot on... A lot of times when I watch movies on my own I fast forward and avoid any scenes with serious conflict for this reason. I won't lie, it hurts me a bit when I tell someone that I understand how they're feeling and they get angry or defensive. Likewise, it's so frustrating to try and sort out my feelings along with everyone else's... There are times when I'm struggling with something that I have to shut everyone else out so that I can feel what I'm really feeling. Unfortunately, because it's so hard for me to let people really know me or to just explain what I'm feeling, my family gets upset or concerned.
ReplyDeleteI just found out about these personality types a few months ago and until then I really thought something was wrong with me because of the intensity of my feelings. My highs were really high and my lows were Really low. There are days when I just wish I could switch off my personality because it is absolutely draining to feel what other people do, not to mention confusing when you can go from incredibly optimistic to monumentally depressed just by speaking with someone... But I will say that I love that this aspect of my personality helps me to know what people are needing and fulfill that need.
Does anyone feel mixed feelings when you hear something? I do. For example my conductor told of someone who was rebellious before she changed, then there was this part where she beat someone after that someone told her politely not to talk during a performance. When everyone heard that they were laughing while I was feeling mixed emotions of wanting to laugh and wanting to cry.
ReplyDeleteI must say, reading this, I'm glad I have the "logical shield" the T gives me. As an INTJ, I am very good at picking up feelings as well, and I get drained by social interaction. I think a lot with emotions, and uses what bubbles up, it just get filtered and verified by my analytical mind that controls the surface; and I can have the emotional mind stand aside.
ReplyDeleteBeing an INTJ I also get the feeling of just being a visitor on outer space. I guess the main reason is that I find all those weird "normal" humans to be fascinating, and that I like my little excursion here :)
Apple Lover, sounds like you picked up the emotions of the one telling the story, and the rest listening; to them it sounds to have been a "funny story". But the story was about someone beating someone else for being told not to ruin a performance, which also includes someone being beaten.
There are also people who handle stress by laughing, so laughing doesn't have to mean someone thought something was funny. Might also be the case?
I think this is one of the best ways i've seen in INFJ described. A lot of times when i feel something i have to question if it is me that i am feeling or if it is someone else. (it's normally someone else) Sometimes i feel like a soulless golem feeling the emotions of everyone but my own.
ReplyDeleteCan anyone else taste what other people are eating? There are certainly times i cannot watch Ben Stiller (though since i'm Jewish, i find him hilarious) and i think Steve Carrell is even worse. Schadenfreude has never been quite my style.
I too am classified as an INFJ. I cannot watch films that involve harm to children. I have nightmares for weeks, feeling the child's pain or fear, scrambling for interviews showing the child to be alive. I saw a play by my school, where they brought out a boy covered in blood. On the outside I just paled, on the inside I was going insane, moments away from running to the stage to check the kid was alright. I knew it was just a stage performance, and I knew he was alright, but just seeing him like that tore me in two!
ReplyDeleteI find that my emotions are so strong. I'm not just sad, I'm near depression, wrestling with both mine, and the sadness of the people around me. I'm not just happy, I'm bouncing off the walls, grinning happy. I'm not just angry, my vision goes red. Doe anyone have these powerful emotions?
thank you so much for writing this post. it has made me feel a little more understood. i've noticed this too, and i've been contemplating this for a while now, and maybe this is the reason why i cannot stand watching violence. for a long time, i thought this was cowardice and weakness on my part. but i realise that what i cannot stand about watching these films is the extent to which i feel the characters' pain. i can hardly bring myself to watch someone get stabbed once (what most consider relatively mild violence compared to multiple stabbings or impaling), because i feel like it is happening to me. i've never been able to understand how others can sit and watch nonchalantly when i cannot help but gasp, flinch and wince in shock and pain (it feels like a phantom knife just went through me too). and with all the violence in films nowadays, i can only stick to watching animated films -- even then there is violence.
ReplyDeleteof course, the ability to feel what other people feel happens to be too, and you're very right -- it is extremely lonely, exhausting and painful. there have been times when i ended up in tears because someone else was in tears.
I can't even explain how I'm feeling right now...for starters, so relieved I'm near tears! I've been plagued by intense emotions all my life, and have often felt like I was literally losing my mind! I feel your collective pain of having to deal with these pesky feelings, but at the same time it's comforting knowing that I'm not alone :-) Since childhood, I've been constantly experiencing deep empathy for family, friends & strangers all over the world. If I see a homeless man on the streets, the rest of my day (my week actually) is ruined. I want to cry when I watch those adds about orphans or animals in shelters. I stopped watching Trix ads because I feel so bad for the rabbit & hate those kids for never letting him get any Trix smh lol. I fly into a rage over every little injustice that I come across, whether on a personal level or just from watching/reading news. Sometimes it's all just too much & I wish I could either just fix all the wrong in the world or make it so I can't be affected by it. Whenever I fail to cope, I suffer from sleep disorders, depression, anxiety, stress-induced eczema, headaches and other psychosomatic illnesses. Sigh. Lately, it seems like I'm losing the battle to control my emotions & so yesterday I Googled "INFJ & emotions" and I'm sure glad I did! I've known for the past 7 years that I'm INFJ, but never heard/read the perspective of other INFJs before. I've been described as overly-sensitive, crazy, complicated & neurotic (among other things), but at least now I know that I've got company ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh, btw, is anyone else affected by the weather? Since childhood, I realize that my mood seems to reflect changes in weather. So, on a bright, sunny day I'm cheerful, energetic & optimistic...but on a rainy/overcast day, I'm gloomy listless. I've learned to 'fight the feeling' as best as possible; but if I don't have to go out on 'bad weather days', I don't. Anyway, just thought to check if this is also an INFJ malady or if I really do need professional help ;-)
ReplyDeleteHi Tammi, I do experience the same with weather. I live in Canada and I've had Seasonal affective disorder since I'm 15 years old (I'm almost 30 now) ... It's really affecting me, it usually starts around october or november but it gets way worst after the holidays and by febuary I have really dark thoughts.
DeleteThank you for this post. Much appreciated !
ReplyDeleteOmg, this is exactly what I was trying to explain to people all the time, but I just always failed to put it into words. Thanks for that :)
ReplyDeleteVery relatable. So much so that I think this is the reason I've been on antidepressants for 20 years. Other peoples' emotions take over me. On ADs, I feel a little numb. I don't like it, but I can't handle feeling so deeply over others' emotions.
ReplyDeleteSo very true! I discovered that I am an INFJ and it may explain to a degree why I have usually been able to tell who is calling me whenever the phone rings! I've been able to do that my whole life, but I just thought everyone could sort of "sense" that. As a matter of fact, it happened just a moment ago. The phone was ringing, and on my way to pick it up, I said to myself, "Oh, that's So-and-So," and when I saw the name on the phone screen, yep, I was right.
ReplyDeleteI also have been able, like you, to feel what others are feeling. And I have to agree with you that it becomes often overwhelming. It honestly does. Having been severely abused by a child, I am deeply affected by stories of child abuse. Seems I'm bombarded so often by stories on TV--and have seen children being abused by parents in public-- and I am literally not able to put that child out of my mind for days, sometimes weeks, months, and even years. I feel such deep anguish that I have often gone to my car or home and just sat and wept. And I have not been able to put that child out of mind. I feel the hurt, the pain, the anger, the terror lingering. I try so hard to not allow it to affect me, but I have no choice. It always crushes me emotionally to witness or to hear about a child's abuse.
Anyway, I'm so glad I read what you wrote. I have usually felt quite "different" during my life, but never understood why. I think it's not unusual for INFJs to feel a bit different. I wish I had some INFJs in my personal life so that we could share our life experiences.
Thanks for writing this!
I wasn't persuaded by this test, until I saw the result of it and it showed INFJ. Ever since.. I can't remember, I felt so strange compared to everyone else and really weird in many situations. Not less when I answered a question or making a statement, and everyone around me claims that I don't know what I am talking about. The only way I can explain my words, is by saying "I just know" or "that's how it feels like". And I am usually right, but it doesn't matter because people ignore that part of it. I wish to have someone in my life who actually know me and whom I don't have to explain everything to. Someone who just knows what I'm thinking.
ReplyDeleteIt's great to see that I am not alone in the world feeling this way! :D
Story time: In high school I was walking to meet friends, behind a person who was telling their tale of woe to their friend. The tale of woe set into my soul, and showed on my face until, when I reached my friends, they all cried out, "WHAT IS WRONG?!?!" Of course then, my face instantly smoothed over. I can't hang out with people who are stressed, I find myself feeling outside of my own head, I live IN movies and IN books. This post is my life.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the positives of being an INFJ?!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteWhile being an INFJ is exhausting, I think that we have gifts to offer the world. I find that my extreme empathy makes it easy for me to talk to almost anyone about any problem. I do not see the world as "black and white" because I empathize with the whole picture and this gives me a unique perspective.
DeleteWe are also very persuasive! Just be careful how you use that gift ;)
Being the rarest personality type is difficult but also very special and rewarding.
I can't watch certain kinds of movies...like I hate horror movies and survival type movies, like 127 Hours. I completely understand FEELING what the characters are feeling, even though they aren't even real. I also can't watch movies where people or animals die cruelly or are treated cruelly. Tragic romances bother me, too. I love the movie Titanic, but I have to stop watching it before it starts to sink and he dies. I don't really know how to explain it, but I just feel so strongly that it really bothers me. It's like I'm there. Anyway, I'm INFJ btw lol. People kinda make of fun of me because of this. They tell me I shouldn't let it bother me so much and it's just a movie. Well, I don't intentionally let it bother me...it just does. Those feelings just aren't entertaining to me. My favorite movies are usually comedies or something fun, because they make me feel good...not horrified and disturbed for days :(
ReplyDeletealthough as an INFJ, I can relate to having hyper-empathy, but I'm just a little confused if everyone is that extreme in that you haven't learned to strike a balance and turn it off when it's over?
ReplyDeletein the sense that after an emotional movie or tv show for example, I don't feel like "I can't watch horrible things happening to people" because it's the complete opposite: I feel like it's a form of enjoyment/gift to be able to feel whatever the character is feeling. it's an experience that is special and unique to people with hyperempathy, and I treasure and embrace it when it's a form of entertainment. I cry and go under the blankets and shut off the world and go through the emotions in silence... but after a while I just come to a closure and turn it off in a sec.
however, the terrible side of it is when it isn't related to entertainment... like being able to witness a tragedy or in the form of news reports. or happenings in our life that happen to friends instead of ourselves. I do get affected in an intimate and deep level, and it does take a toll on my mental state at that moment.. but I did learn how to control and contain it, and only let myself be in my little emotional bubble for just a little moment. and then it's over. in fact, it's an advantage to have gone through the piece of terrible news because it will help me to understand people better and grow further as a person.
the point is that, I can't relate to many comments here and feel confused :( because I don't avoid stuff or hate horror/bloody movies. in fact I love them while still being able to feel everything. but there is one condition, in that I can't watch movies or tv show with people. the extreme feelings I get require me to watch them alone, if not I won't be able to enjoy the emotions or cry when I want to. because of the fact that they aren't on the same emotional level, and I feel like they're invading my space when I go through an emotional scene. it is personal and intimate and I must be alone for it.
I feel like this is a gift that all INFJs must learn to control and use it to our advantage, instead of it being exhausting to the extreme, if not it'll be a waste and it won't have the full potential of what it could have been.
I'm an INFJ though i feel other people's emotions and can accurately guess their thoughts, its less intense and isn't as powerful as it should be all the time, which i think may be because of my autism. But yeah when it's at its full potential it's very overwhelming. This post helped out a lot, though.
ReplyDeleteMuch of my growing up years were spent living in a "shell" I created to escape my environment. I was part of a dysfunctional family, abused by my father, and neglected by my mother. I endured a lot and I often times shut down. For this reason, I have huge memory gaps... Later on in my life, after I had children of my own I began to become aware of myself. Things I could feel and know but not understand. One of the first times this happened, I was a new mother. My daughter was hours old, and was brought to the maternity ward to be checked by the doc and stay with the nurses so I could sleep. Not even five minutes after she left my room, I had an overwhelming feeling of fear and acute pain. I looked at my husband and said: " Go check on the baby. " When he argued that I needed to sleep I became more agitated, and said it again, in a panicked voice. He came back with her, and handed her to me. She and I both calmed immediately and were content. My husband looked on with wonder and asked me how I knew. "How did I know what?" I asked. " When I got there she was screaming at the top of her lungs...they had just pricked her heel." Of course, I had no way of knowing that. I could not hear her. I was the farthest room from the nursery. That was the first of many experiences... When I learned my personality Type I was immensely relieved! Today, I have chronic illnesses as a result of many years of trauma. When I get stressed out, or I am around people who are negative, mean, resentful, in pain, or any other intense emotion, I become physically ill. For this reason I have to limit whom I allow in my inner circle. I know some people wonder why I have distanced myself...the truth is, I have to! I know I am not alone. This article was very telling... If only some of my family could understand. But, for now, aside from my husband and children and a few close friends, I remain the over-sensitive sister, daughter...etc. The " touched" one. But, we INFJ's know better. And I have a daughter who is also and INFJ. It's awesome to be in a room full of people and experience something and be able to look at each other knowingly. We "get" each other... And for that I am so thankful.
ReplyDelete